


Remember Me As I Am Tonight

by BladedFeather



Series: Fatalism [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, Captain America: The First Avenger, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Post-Serum, Still Haven't Read The Comics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-25
Updated: 2015-07-25
Packaged: 2018-04-11 02:58:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4418471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BladedFeather/pseuds/BladedFeather
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of the world<br/>Or the last thing I see<br/>You are<br/>Never coming home.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remember Me As I Am Tonight

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. I love Peggy Carter.  
> 2\. I still desperately need a Beta and I apologize in advance.  
> 3\. Lyrics are from The Ghost of You by My Chemical Romance.  
> 4\. If you commented, left kudos, glanced at this, thank you from the bottom of my heart.  
> 5\. Canon? What canon???

On Steve's second day at basic training, he gets a letter. The paper is stiff, presumably because it had gotten wet en route, the words are still thankfully legible. Steve reads who it's from and it takes him all of three seconds to rip the envelope open. The relief at seeing Bucky's loopy and artful handwriting washes through like a wave.  If there's one thing that Bucky took pride in from his admittedly dismal performance in school, it was his handwriting. Steve reads the letter quickly, it's fairly short, the majority of it going over where Bucky had been deployed and what their first mission had been like. At the bottom the lettering gets less precise and Steve can imagine the way Bucky must've bit the side of his lip as he concentrated.

 

>    "Out here....time doesn't work the same. It's just bouncing from one shell crater to the next, breathing through the bullets passing by your head. Waiting endlessly until you can get a moment's quiet. It helps. Knowing you're safe, at home. Be there when I get back."

 

The rush of guilt is immediate, but Steve doesn't regret his decision. Doesn't waver in it no matter how many scornful looks he gets. Through every single discouraging comment he keeps his head up and keeps going, to whatever end Erskine has, because if it leads to him being able to protect people, he'll do anything.

Peggy Carter is like no woman he's ever encountered before. The first time he had met her, he'd failed miserably at speaking to her. Which wasn't all that surprising considering his track record with women. Peggy was special though, the way she carried herself was extraordinary.  If he hadn't already found his soulmate, he'd be head over heels.

The rest of Steve's grueling time in basic is spent by pushing himself as hard as he can, and waiting for each of Bucky's letters anxiously. Each time one ends up in his hands it's a battle between a voice in the back of his head whispering that this is the last one he may ever get, and the joy at knowing that at the time of this letter he was safe, relatively anyway.

 It's instinct, jumping on the grenade. Steve sees it and there's zero hesitation, he may be small but his body would stop most if not all of the shrapnel. So he dives for it, tucking it into his chest tightly. A few tense minutes go by, until Colonel Phillips breaks the news that it isn't a live grenade, and Steve feels immensely stupid. It clears when he sees the smug victory on Dr. Erskine's face.

 

^

 

   Before the procedure, the experiment, whatever it's being called, Peggy comes to him. At first it's just to see from a professional standpoint if he's still ready to face whatever the Serum may do. It evolves into a friendship without either of them noticing. Peggy is headstrong and funny, wit like a whip, and Steve can't help but like her.

 They talk. About the war, about what they did before. Steve doesn't really mean to do it but he accidentally stumbles into talking about Bucky.

 "I lived in a little place in Brooklyn." Peggy probably knows this, they seem to know an awful lot about him, but she still listens with interest and responds, telling him about her home back in England. Peggy asks what he did to keep up rent and Steve can't help blushing a little.

 "I drew things for the paper." He winces as soon as she lights up and just like that she's politely asking if he has anything he'd drawn with him. Steve caves after a minute and gives her the few sketches he'd brought. Peggy holds up the first one,

 "Is this your mother?" Steve nods, the sketch was from the side, while she stood in the kitchen and baked something, her blond hair tumbling down her back. Peggy studies it for a moment longer before moving onto the next one, a rough drawing of his place back in Brooklyn. Steve hopes she doesn't ask, but braces himself as soon as her eyebrows raise slowly. The sketch is of the general floor plan of the house, but the real focus is of Bucky dosing on the couch, cap over his eyes. Steve couldn't help himself, one minute they'd been talking, the next the late afternoon sun had lulled Buck asleep.

 "I presume this is your roommate, James?" It's no longer an idle suspicion that they had done research on him, probably sometime after he'd been chosen for the project. Steve knows the second she sees it by the look on her face. Bucky sprawled in his sleep, and his left arm had been resting on the back of the couch, the star there, now about the size of a nickel just like Steve's, was a bright spot of red in the otherwise gray scale drawing. Surreptitiously Steve turns his wrist down, but from the look in her eyes he knows it's pointless. Instead saying anything, she simply continues to go through his sketches, still not bringing it up even though most of them contain Bucky in some way.

 Peggy gently sets the sketches down, before looking back up at him, amusement thinly veiled in her eyes, "Tell me about him." Steve starts and Peggy really does laugh at him. Even so, she asks again and so he does. Although he knows that he's really saying too much, that the way he talks about Bucky isn't nearly friendly enough, he can't help it. He trusts Peggy.

 When he finishes speaking, Peggy simply grins and says, "He sounds like a good man." and then picks up another topic. Steve will never know how he deserves to know someone like her.

 

^

 

The pain is excruciating. At first it just feels uncomfortably hot, and then it rises steadily to unmanageable levels of heat. Steve doesn't really remember starting to scream, but he can hear Peggy's frantic voice shouting to shut it down, and he can't let that happen. Howard sounds reluctant but continues at his protests, the searing pain begins to peak until he's in a distant place where pain is inconvenient. Then just like that, it's over.

 The first thing Steve can process is that....he's taller. When asked how he feels, he says as much, earning a little chuckle from Peggy. Steve does his best to mingle when the military brass descend upon them to offer congratulations. Steve isn't fast enough, and Erskine pays for it.  The explosion rocks the ground and Steve follows Erskine to the floor, listening intently to him as he tries to tell him something. Instead of words he simply points to Steve's heart. The sound of gunfire is muffled as Steve watches a good man die. It's a horrible thing, but deep down he knows he isn't the first, and certainly not the last.

 

^

 

Bucky is in the middle of fuck-all Europe. The 107th had been tasked with holding a position against the enemy, and so far it'd been four days of absolute hell. They're dug in deep, whatever it is they're defending must be important. The Allied forces already stationed there were fond of their trenches, and while being in a trench with minimal vantage for Bucky to get eyes on is not ideal, it's what they have. So they fight. War is nothing like he'd imagined. At first Bucky had been terrified, but once he'd gotten the uniform it'd lessened a little, the uniform making him feel stronger, like maybe it wouldn't be as bad as everyone said it was.

Now he's crouched in a mixture of mud, blood, and shell casings. The reality of it was so much worse than he could have _ever_ imagined. The 107th hadn't seen that much action in previous encounters, but the Nazis seem to want whatever is behind their line bad, because Bucky watched good men die left and right holding the line.

At night when the shells start up, the only thing he can do is close his eyes tight and try to remember what it was like to sleep without smelling death. Bucky dreams of the harsh Brooklyn summers and a cramped little apartment. More often than not, Bucky presses his lips to the star on his arm and prays that he gets out of this alive.

When Bucky wakes up on the fifth day, he knows something is wrong. There is no sound. Not the rumble of tanks nor the singing of bullets. Looking around frantically he catches Morita's eye. They crawl out from their hole and peak into the main thoroughfare of the trench. Men are lined up at the lip, clutching their guns and staring. The two of them are motioned to frantically and they take the rifles offered to them.

Bucky looks over the trench, and they wait. It seems like hours, and it might've been. When it begins, it sounds like all of Hell is on Earth. The Nazi line advances in a cacophony of mortar and gunfire, their numbers seeming endless despite the bodies that steadily pile up. Bucky aims and prepares to fire, but a grenade lands in front of him, and he barely has time to drop before it goes off. The explosion is still ringing in his ears when he sees Morita get tackled into the ground by a Nazi soldier. Morita struggles in the mud, working to find purchase and stop the enemy from going to his sidearm.

Bucky's vision is swimming, the sound of the grenade reverberating inside of his skull. It takes him a moment to realize that his rifle is still gripped firmly in his hands, more importantly that the bayonet is inches away in the ground. Bucky can't see if there's anyone on the other side of Morita and the struggling Nazi soldier, and he can't risk hurting someone if he misses.

Everything tunnels into the moment he grabs the fallen bayonet, not feeling the bite as it slices into his palm. Adrenaline pushes him on and amidst the pounding of artillery his own heartbeat is loudest in his ears as he tackles the man off of Morita. The man struggles violently, cursing in a language Bucky can't understand and a wild, feral look in his eyes. They roll around for a minute both spitting curses and fighting over the blade. Bucky digs his heels in, and after accepting a harsh punch to the face, uses the opening to jam the bayonet under the man's ribcage. There is a tense and horrible moment when Bucky thinks the other soldier isn't going to die, and then he watches as the light steadily drains out of his eyes.

 

It takes Morita's hands on his shoulders for Bucky to realize he's screaming.

 

*

 

Later, when the Nazi offensive has been entirely staved off, Bucky crawls back into the hole assigned to him and Morita. There's a sick and hollow feeling building steadily, and he manages to duck out just fast enough when he finally gets sick. Morita is there when he gets back, he had quickly become one of Bucky's closest friends. Which is why Bucky allows him to rub comforting circles into his back, while Bucky stares unseeingly at the wall, his vision disrupted by tears.

 

Rationally, Bucky knows that he should just move on, because he had killed the enemy. But he can't, and he chokes out as much to Morita.

 "I can't...- I can't stop thinkin' bout it. What if he had a girl? _Oh God_ what about his Ma? I jus' _killed a man_. Lord help me." Bucky's words, distorted by sobs, are nearly lost in the din of the nightly shells. Morita just continues to rub his back, Bucky feels like he needs to be sick again.

Morita doesn't say thank you, and Bucky is grateful, because right now he's not sure if he could handle it. Instead Morita talks about the first time he had to kill someone, and oddly enough, it helps soothe Bucky's mind.

That night is the first he wakes sweaty and shaking from a nightmare. The other soldier's face staring lifelessly up at him. The horrible things the corpse had whispered to him. The icy fingers that had pervaded his heart when that nameless mans face had shifted into an all too familiar one. Bucky staring down helplessly at Steve's body, blood streaking his blond hair, _Steve's blood_ on Bucky's hands.

 Morita is awake when he's thrown back into reality, and simply turns on his side. Bucky shakes and clings to his knees for awhile, until he looks at Morita and swallows hard,

 "How can I do this?" There's a million questions in just that one. Morita seems to understand, like he always does, and thumbs the lilies on his wrist.

 "Did you promise someone you'd come home?" The bluntness is reassuring and Bucky nods, tucking his face against his folded knees. Morita nods, showing he was cementing his own knowledge, "Then you do what you have to. You don't think about it. You think about what you have back home. Why it's going to be worth it when you're there again."

Despite the fact that his words will never wash the guilt from Bucky's soul, they make sense. He didn't want this, didn't want to be in this war, and he didn't want to kill anyone. But they were trying to kill all of the people he loved, and the country he loved. Bucky would get as much blood on his hands as was needed, as long as it protected a little punk back in Brooklyn.

 

*

 

Bucky preferred to kill from a distance. During his stint in basic his superiors knew he had an affinity for ranged weapons, but it's not really applicable until he's promoted to Sergeant, and the 107th are sent on specific missions.  

They're waiting in a small village for the mission start time when Falsworth shoves a brightly colored poster under Bucky's nose.

"Sarge, do you see this crap?" Falsworth sounds both offended and amused, so Bucky takes the poster hesitantly.

It proclaims in bold and bright letters the Captain America tour, meant to gather war bonds and lift troops spirits. Bucky shakes his head,

"Good luck performing for a bunch of troops, they're gonna eat him alive." Tossing the paper aside, the rest of the team gathers around the table. In front of them is a map of the area, with all of the known intel they had. Bucky describes the situation to the gathered men quickly.

 "Get in, get out. The plan is for you all to cause a hell of a racket, enough that their general pokes out his head just enough for him to lose it." Bucky grins at the excited whopping. Rolling his eyes he waves them away, "Move it, we leave at sunrise."

 

*

 

The explosion, while distant, still rocked the hill Bucky was dug in. Cursing silently he adjusted his measurements, luckily the plume of smoke wouldn't hinder his view. Watching as his team come running out of the building with hell on their asses, he spares a moment to worry before he sees a side door open, and his target step out. Closely behind him is a squat man, obviously someone important (most likely a scientist by the lab coat), but not who he wants.

There's an incredibly small window for him, and he only waits a heartbeat before taking a deep breath, and squeezing the trigger. The gun kicks back, his beloved M1903A4 had a bit of wear but still performed beautifully. There is a moment when the enemy general seems completely bewildered at what just happened, and then he drops to the ground. Bucky spares the time to catch the horrified look on the face of the short scientist before picking up his rifle and running.

 

*

 

The return to camp was a joyous and loud affair, Bucky's team shouting and congratulating each other for taking out a particularly vicious general; who was responsible for countless Allied deaths.

They celebrated as much as they were able with another mission looming, and retreated back to their own tents, to face individual demons in the night. No man was without something that brought him out of sleep screaming. Bucky was used to hearing it around his tent, they all slept so close together it was unavoidable, and they ignored it in the morning.

Bucky is in one of his typical dreams, running through the smoke, trying desperately to find a way out to the sounds of gunfire that never ended, always being lost. This time when he wakes up, the gunfire doesn't stop.

Stumbling out of his tent, Bucky's nightmares are alive. It isn't hard to figure out what happened, the Nazi's were out for blood, revenge for the death of their general. The entire base is on fire, and Bucky watches as men are dragged out of their tents screaming.

Grabbing the knife on his belt, Bucky hurtles into the fray. Tanks rumble in the distance, and the fear secures itself around his heart. Tactically there isn't a way out of this, not yet. Everything is in chaos, the entire camp ablaze and soaked with blood. The hopelessness of winning doesn't stop Bucky from stabbing a Nazi soldier in the back of the neck while he tries to drag away one of the younger soldiers.

The boy, Allen, his brain supplies, clings to his jacket when Bucky hauls him up, "Everywhere. They're everywhere Sarge. Everywhere." Allen barely holds in a sob as they stumble into an abandoned shack, staring at the destruction.

"We're going to get out of this," Bucky grabs a hold of the boys shoulders, forcing the private to look him in the eye, "We're going to make it, you hear me?"

Allen is looking at him with wide eyes, but nods with a sniffle. The tanks finally break through the trees, and fire their first volley. Whatever the Nazi's were doing, they were leagues ahead of the Allies because Bucky can only watch as half of the camp is obliterated. They run.

The camp is an orange glow behind them, the sounds of battle getting steadily quieter until Bucky deems it safe enough to for them to rest. Allen slides down against the tree, a hunted look in his eyes. Bucky joins him opposite, and can't help but feel disgusted. Bucky wasn't very old sure, but Allen was a child to boot, and the look on his young face would probably haunt him for the rest of his life.

Bucky hears them long before he sees them, and carefully pulls Allen towards him, "I want you to listen to me, because I ain't got long to say it," at the privates nod he continues shakily, "I want you to run, run as far as you can, run until you find our boys. Don't look back." Allen swallows hard before nodding, tears just now appearing, "Tell them what happened, and take this, give it to command to send back to my family." Tears track through the dirt on Allen's face as Bucky pulls out the letter from his shirt, carefully clasping the younger man's hand with it inside, before grabbing him by the collar and pushing him forward.

 Allen doesn't look back. Bucky manages to give the Nazi soldiers a hell of a fight before a rifle connects with his skull.

 When he wakes up again, he's strapped to a table, a blurry face looming over him,

 

"Hello Mr. Barnes."

 

^

It's not long before Steve realizes that the dismal response from the troops is something that won't end. Knows that they see him as a joke, because that's what the entire thing is, while they fight and die and he dresses up.

After a particularly cold response from the gathered soldiers, all of them weary and dirty, Steve climbs off of the stage and wonders if Erskine regrets his decision in the after-life.

Looking around he sees the reality of war, what he really should be doing. Battered men stare into the sky like they think it'll save them, and Steve has to grit his teeth at the injustice. At the fact that he's strong enough to defend these people, to make a difference, and he's forced to play dress up. Everything shortly becomes a horrible roaring in his ears when he picks up on some soldiers talking in subdued and defeated tones,

"Shoulda seen the kid, scared of his mind, dropped on the spot when he made it in. All of the 107th, just gone...-" Steve stops listening, a horrible sinking feeling in his chest. Peggy catches up to him as he strides to Colonel Phillips tent,

"Steve, I've tried talking to him and he's-" Peggy breaks off, seeming to see something in his expression, whatever she sees she realizes it isn't about Philips' refusal to let him fight, Peggy being the perceptive woman she is just sets her shoulders and walks with him.

Steve asks about Bucky's unit, and Philips dismisses him, saying that they were mostly all killed, except a few reportedly captured. Steve puts his hands on the desk, unintentionally looming over Phillips.

"Sir with all due respect, I just need one name, James Buchanan Barnes." Philips looks at him for a long moment before thumbing through the stack of papers and shaking his head.

 Steve feels cold all over at the thought of all of those people, the stack of papers indicating dead servicemen, the thought of all of those who were locked up somewhere. Of _Bucky_. Being trapped somewhere, locked up in some prison. Steve refuses to think he could be anything but alive. Peggy catches his eye, and the blazing determination he sees in her eyes settles him.

 

^

 

Steve will probably owe Howard and Peggy for the rest of his life; if he makes it out of this, and thanks them profusely before flinging himself out of the plane.

Peggy had pulled him aside before the plane had gotten in the air and asked, "What is this plan of yours, exactly?" Steve had just stared back at her for a moment, couldn't help but let his eyes slip to the star on his wrist, and shrugged,

"I'm going to get him back." Peggy had crushed him into a hug, straightened his cap and shoved him onto the plane.

Now it's the only thing he knows, he's going to get Bucky out, he's going to get Bucky and the rest of the men out of this place, or he's going to destroy as much of it as he can trying.

It's awkward at first, the fighting. His movements are too...fluid, and he's still not used to the height or sheer size of his own frame yet. Nevertheless Steve still tears through the Hydra compound, leaving a swath of downed agents in his wake.

Steve is immensely relieved to find the cells of prisoners, and after tossing them the keys he steadies himself, "Have any of you seen Sergeant James Barnes?" The men shuffle amongst themselves before a weary soldier steps forward,

"We haven't seen him since he was taken. They took him to the lab, and no one's ever come back from there." Steve thanks the soldier, who he learns is named Morita and turns on his heel, a soldier wearing a bowler hat calls out to him,

"What, you're going to just walk in there?" Steve looks over his shoulder, grinning,

"Rendezvous is a straight shot North. Give em' hell." The gathered soldiers cheers follow him as he runs down the hallway.

Rounding a corner Steve catches sight of a terrified looking man, who immediately stumbles back when he spots Steve. If it wasn't for the voice he can hear echoing, Steve would've pursued him, but instead raced to find the source of Bucky's voice.

The force of what Steve sees when he enters the room nearly brings him to his knees. Bucky is strapped down, whispering his name to himself as if it's a life-line. Steve drops his shield, the thin metal clanging dully.

Running over Steve cradles Bucky's face in his hands for a moment, the overwhelming relief that he was alive sending a burning to the back of his eyes. Letting go, Steve snaps the straps holding Bucky down effortlessly,

"Bucky, I thought you were _dead_." The words wobble but Steve ignores it, instead gingerly helping Bucky to stand, holding tight when Bucky clings to the front of his shirt,

"And I thought _you_ were smaller." It startles a laugh out of Steve and it's slightly hysterical but so is the kiss Bucky pulls him down into. The hysteria gets a little worse when it starts to sink in that he has to bend down now, how much has changed. It's only a few seconds before they're all business, the shaking of the building alarming.

The confrontation with the Red Skull disturbed Steve to the core at the sight of something that made him the way he is used for such evil. The building begins to rattle apart, and Bucky thankfully makes it to the other side, but Steve doesn't think he's going to make it too.

"Not without you!" Bucky shouts, and Steve knows he means it, backs up, and jumps.

They fall into the dirt just as the building behind them goes up in a fantastic explosion. Bucky sighs somewhere next to Steve's head,

 "Let's never do that again." Steve couldn't agree more.

 

^

 

They walk back to camp, jovial celebration in the air as the men celebrate being alive. It's just another reason that Steve has to give to Philips to let him actually fight, hey may only be one soldier, but he can still do good.

Besides the overall relief of everyone being alive and a victory over Hydra, Steve can't help glancing at Bucky every few seconds. The letters had stopped and there had been a cold and immovable sense of dread that had accompanied their absence, but at the time he had refused to allow himself to believe the worst. Steve manages to look away from Bucky long enough to accept the congratulations he's given.

Now they sit in a tiny tent, meant for one person, and considering two normal people were pushing it Steve trying to occupy the space with Bucky meant they were practically breathing one anothers air. They didn't mind much. Though Steve winced when Bucky scowled at him.

The lecture he got about letting himself be _experimented_ on was endless. As was the one that followed when Steve finally cracked and told Bucky how he'd gotten behind enemy lines to rescue them. The only thing that stopped it was the curiosity that Bucky couldn't subdue when it came to the Serum, and how every so often he'd punctuate whatever he was saying with a kiss to Steve's knuckles.

That night was the first that instead of Bucky holding Steve as he shook from an illness, Steve tried to hold Bucky as whatever was in his mind threatened to tear him to pieces. Bucky didn't mention much about the lab, just that his memories were full of a lot of pockets where he was unconscious. Steve didn't believe him as he watched Bucky's eyes open from the nightmare, wild and panicked. He didn't ask. Bucky would tell him when he felt he needed to.

It's Bucky's idea, that Steve should assemble a team. Strike back against all of the evil.

"I'm just saying, you could really give them a run for their money." Steve raised his eyebrows, propping himself up enough to lean over the other man.

"Are you encouraging me to fight?" The fake shock in Steve's voice earned him an eye roll from his best guy,

"You'd just jump out of another plane if I told you no." Bucky follows him when Steve rolls away with a groan, certain he was never going to live that down. They share soft and lingering kisses, resting their foreheads together. Steve watches the dim light in Bucky's eyes, a peculiar shade of blue-grey that had always made him weak in the knees.

"Well then, I guess you'll just have to come with me so I _don't_ jump out of any planes." It's an offer, one Steve doesn't make lightly, in the face of not knowing everything Bucky had gone through. There is a silent and contemplative look on Bucky's face. The silence stretches until Steve wants to take it back, but then there's warm air ghosting on his collarbones through the thin material of his shirt.

"Good to know the Serum can't fix stupid. 'Til the end of the line, remember?" Steve tries to roll his eyes at Bucky being a sap, but just chuckles softly, and tightens his arms around him; determined not to let him slip too far away again.

 

^

 

The Howling Commandos, as they came to be known, had just blown up their seventh Hydra base when it happened. In the process of blowing up was more accurate.

Dum Dum planted the explosives, and then shouted that everyone should run like hell. Bucky rolled his eyes as he watched the team follow Dum Dum's warning to the letter and yet still managed to kill a few Hydra agents along the way. It was one of the rare times when Bucky had sat back, picking off agents from afar after turning his ankle and then being talked into providing support. It was frustrating, but Bucky couldn't help grinning at the adrenaline fueled grins on his friends faces.

Then Gabe got hit. An agent they thought was neutralized defiantly raising a sidearm. Bucky was distracted, too busy laughing at Steve as he tripped vaulting a barricade and only just managed to avoid smacking his face on the ground.

Bucky finished the Hydra agent off right after he had taken the shot, but it was already too late, Gabe went down quick. Steve immediately spun around to see what had happened, and ran to help. Bucky watched as the building exploded. 

From the smoke Steve jumped into their little ditch, gently setting down Gabe, who had been hit, but only in the shoulder. Steve sat heavily and the rest of the Commandos parted like the Red Sea when Bucky descended on the scene. When Gabe gave him a sarcastic little salute to indicate he was okay, Bucky was right on patting down Steve for injuries. The piece of shrapnel he found in Steve's side was buried deep.

"It's fine Buck, just take it out, it'll heal, remember?" Steve joked, but the paleness in his face told Bucky that it _was_ causing him pain, most likely a horrible amount; and he was just an asshole who didn't say anything.

"You'll bleed to death, you idiot." Bucky hissed, hands shaking as the memory of last time he'd done this rushing to the surface. Steve tried to move his hands and Bucky sat back on his heels, glaring at him.

"I don't care if you'll heal in a few minutes, we are not going to rip out a piece of metal God knows how long _and hope_ , that the Serum heals you before you bleed to death." Bucky knew he was nagging, but Steve was the most stubborn human being in existence, but even Bucky didn't think it was possible to be too stubborn to die.

"When was the wedding? You two argue like you're married." Falsworth accepts Dernier's high five graciously, and consequently misses the look their Sergeant and Captain exchange. At around the third Hydra base they'd taken out together, the Commandos had been dropping hints like bombs that they knew about the two of them, and didn't care. So Steve wipes some of the blood off from around his mouth and grins up at Bucky,

"Well how about it, wanna get married?"  Bucky promptly hits him on the back of the head, and then kisses his forehead.

"After you get stitches." They don't expect Falsworth to actually be an ordained minister, nor do they expect Dernier and Gabe to cry. But later (when Steve's had his side stitched) They exchange dog tags and everyone laughs when Bucky dips Steve like he's still 90 pounds wet. It's quick and graceless but it's them and it's perfect.

 

*

 

Bucky looks over the edge, and shakes his head,

 

"Remember that time we went to Coney Island, and I made you ride the Cyclone?" Steve looks up from a tactical map of the trains route,

"Yeah, I threw up." They laugh at the memory, Steve hadn't just thrown up, he'd been dizzy for a good thirty minutes afterwards, and when they'd gotten close to the apartment Bucky had carried him home to make up for it.

"This wouldn't be payback, would it?" Bucky eyes the thin cable he's supposed to trust with his life and rolls his eyes when Steve laughs, 

"Now why would I do that?" After a few more minutes of planning, he's the first to grab the zip line, Bucky close behind.

The fighting is utter chaos as soon as they get into the train. Steve and Bucky drop right smack into the third car; from there they fight their way into the second car to the engine room which is of course, when everything goes to hell. Steve gets locked inside a different car, and from the sound of it, he's locked in there with a helluva lot of firepower. Bucky doesn't have much time to worry though, because a Hydra goon opens up on him.

Bucky manages to take out two of the, hopefully, small team that had been sent at him, and he feels like he has a pretty good chance of  getting through the door when a giant hole is blown through it. Steve goes skidding against the side of the wall, his shield spinning just out of his reach.

Time doesn't slow down, and in the next breath Bucky is standing in front of Steve, holding the shield up against the blast he knows is coming. When it does there's a wave of energy and sound and then a crunch as his ribs break, colliding with the side of the train. The shield goes spinning out of his hand at the force, embedding itself in the opposite wall.

Bucky feels the cold rush of air, rarely thinks before grabbing onto the one piece of exposed pipe. The ache from his left side is intense, the broken bones protesting as he clings for his life. Bucky's thoughts are wild and unclear.

Steve appears from around the jagged hole, and Bucky wants to shout at him to get back, before he falls. It's the only thing that he can really make sense of at the moment, through the pain and adrenaline.

Extending a hand, Bucky only manages to graze Steve's finger tips before his feeble grip slips away. The last thing he sees is Steve's wide blue eyes, looking exactly like the skinny kid from Brooklyn he'll always be to Bucky. The last thing he thinks is,

 

_Thank God it's me._

 

*

 

Everything is a blur, after Bucky falls. The rest of the mission passes with Steve acting on pure instinct. The Commandos grieve as one in the wake of the mission. Camped in a bombed out city, just another casualty in this war. They grieve as one, and yet Steve can tell they're treading lightly around him. They don't try to say anything. They all know what he just lost.

The first time he tries to takes off his uniform, the star on his arm catches his eyes, and he spends an immeasurable amount of time staring blankly at it. The color no longer as sharp, faded. It's directly after that when Peggy finds him in the remains of a bar. His uniform is still on. The sleeves are long enough.

"I can't get drunk," The words are hollow, and Steve almost wants to laugh at the pure emptiness he can hear there. Peggy doesn't say anything, just sits down and pours herself a shot. A toast to a dead friend. Steve follows suit, downing half a bottle. A toast to his dead husband. This time he does laugh.

"I got to call him that twice." The laughter is harsh, cutting at the edges. It's apparent that Peggy doesn't understand what he's talking about. But glances at the dog-tags on the table. One of them are Steve's, the other one is Bucky's. An identical set at the bottom of a ravine somewhere. The alcohol vanishes, and he doesn't even feel it.  "Can't even bury him proper. Gotta finish this. He'd kick my ass otherwise." This pulls a slight tilt to Peggy's mouth.

She stays. The entire night while Steve attempts to put himself together enough to end the war. Peggy stays. She doesn't talk, but her presence is enough. Peggy and Bucky, they had gotten along great in the short time that they'd known each other, her grief is cool and collected, for both of their sakes. Steve doesn't sleep that night.

Steve doesn't sleep again until he tells Peggy goodbye, promising her a dance for always being right there with him. Telling her his plans for when he gets to the other side. He's got a date.

   

The plane hits the ice.

**Author's Note:**

> More Y/N?
> 
> Also thinking about writing an excerpt that is literally just Bucky making fun of Steve for the Captain America tour thing.
> 
> Thank you for reading. ^.^


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